wednesday 31st january
* rant begins *
sorry but it just isn't cool. this obsession with lo-fi, hippy-wannabe, wired-out retro shite just annoys me. music? pah. nothing more than insecure tuneless drivel. patronising micky mouse junk. sitting around in a recording studio (although it's probably their bedroom or garage or something) moaning into a microphone while someone twangs a few random guitar strings to a plinky piano? i just can't take it seriously. beck wins the prize. bontempi organ whinging mop-haired freak with absolutely no skill apart from wobbling a bit before singing off-key whilst slouching. he is not cool. he's a stringy-arsed insecure zitty twerp and there's no denying it. you are a loser, baby.

"hi, i'd like to buy an hour's worth of some semi-aboriginal chanting dubbed over a repetitively vacuous phrase with twanging double bass and hammond organ shit in the background. do you have any of that?"
"certainly, sir. one beta band album coming up" yeah, well you can keep it.
* rant ends * now that's out of my system it's all good from here on:

this crash has been stolen from naughty dog. if you work there please don't sue me. ta.

such a well designed, clean bandicoot-esque site deserves a mention. and crash is so cute. fat shoes, floppy ears as he bounds along. a good friend of mine since owning a playstation and with crash team racing (affectionately termed racin') the line-up's complete. sadly, i even know the music. and sachie-d if you're reading this, i want crash 2 back. that's the best one! if you others need something more 3d then try this.



i just love him. cootcheecoo. all i need now is a tnt crate to smash. now. where can i get a tnt crate in shoreditch?

christmas party photos are back with a few gorgeous and a few grotesque. mine were grotesque. but yes! this did hit the pin, and yes i was very, very drunk.

today's song is every me and every you by placebo. lively.

"no no no i think you should meet her but i think that if she gets a bit weary or a bit lairy then you should... stab her."

"tune in drop out that love...

i hope she doesn't mind.
evening bit:

tuesday 30th january
random inbox anomalies abound. this time one from stu. his skill for nicknames is insurmountable:

"Dear All

We now have 16 definite members of the Dordogne Mafia (DM) who are:
Stephanie
Weeze
S.Club Egg Nog Del Monte Gurn
St Ivel Gold
Ad the Mad
Em the Gem
Bunge
Bunget
Slow Rider
Sleepy
Meblue
Fitted
Sweaty Ginner
Robert The
McMuffson
McMuffsonny

There are of course possible/so far undecided DM's, who are:
Screach
Meblues
Stag Wierdo
Peppers
Cheasy
Cheasier..."

monday 29th january
milk sweets.

rather like fairyland, isn't it? apart from the smell of gasoline and burning flesh...

total concentration wanings. heavy lids with rolling scratches. delta charlie niner you are clear to land at twenty-zero-nine degrees. i wish i could write everyone a really long story to read. but unfortunatley, i can't. the relaxing's going fairly well at the moment, thankyouverymuch.

uh-oh. my resistance has gone. i'm going to eat b-side boy's food now. i can't help it.

sunday 28th january
paul's painting. it's resonance was not quiet.

saturday 27th january
"ha haaaaaaah! you're not gonna do this, son!" matt on paul's driving.

...mind you, with nocturnal matt occupying the majority of the living room and b-side boy sliding into parliament square's barriers and flying visits from the likes of peejay, maybe everything's all right after all. and i won't do anything constructive this evening.

after getting this song out of my head at last i've got one that says this:

"there are parts of me that don't get nerveous. not the parts that shake. you won't get what you deserve. you are what you take. learning to cry for fun and profit. i'm not done yet. counterfeit dollars on the english zlotty. anything i can get.

some people get by with a little understanding. some people get by with a whole lot more. i don't know why you've got top be so undemanding. one thing i know. i want more.

so hot. so cold. so far, so out of control. but hard to come by and harder to hold."; strange in places.

friday 26th january
"once i had a dream. we were young and invincible."

i don't know what to write about today. sometimes i can't shake this pre-panic feeling. last night i got home after what two weeks of continuous activity. there's been lots to remember - hot coals that need constant blowing to keep the flames licking at the wood for warmth and control. i can't relax. even with the tv on in the evening forcing myself to stop i know i should be doing something else, like coding something for this site, working on something for something. i just can't shake it. this necessity to be constantly constructive, squeezing as much as i can out of each hour. finding the quickest way to complete tasks needlessly injected with fictitious importance. needless multitasking.

i'm scared i'm too old already and that i've not done enough. i'd love to rewind back to college, unwrap this ever-expanding materialistic loop: car, flat, savings, holidays. i never used to be like this. i used to hate cars and ignore money.

i remember a moment. in first year of b.a. i was on my way to elephant. it was a cold, crisp day just like today with a low bright sun throwing elongated shadows of cryogenic leafless trees across the whole road. walking to tooting broadway tube with folio under arm and white-laced doc martens ready for a day at lcp on my own. i can't remember what i was working on - probably hand rendering six point type or something, but i do know i had the sun and a huge smile on my face for no reason at all. i wanted nothing apart from the life i had. i've had similar days but none as powerful.

why is time going so fast? why don't i just calm down? i've even spoken to five people and washed up whilst writing this.

"it used to be a railroad. and now it's town."

hey, if anyone's even reading this will they please let me know?

thursday 25th january
today's entries are in the grey section.

wednesday 24th january
just this.

tuesday 23rd january
on reflection:

1. the ability to play two hours of squash doesn't prepare you for seven hours' worth of snowboarding.
2. funkstar deluxe is going to be a great slope companion.
3. the backs of your upper arms can hurt.
4. i sleep much more heavily when physically tired.
5. following whims isn't always wise.
6. doing someone a favour can backfire.
7. you know when you have a real friend because even terrible situations are fine.
8. buying myself a flat after april could be realistic if i'm lucky.
9. non-londoners are much nicer people.
10. we are very busy at work.
11. diet coke is nicer because fat coke has too much sugar.
12. i have to hang my favourite clothes out to dry more often.

erm... can't think of any more. i wonder what's going to happen tomorrow.

monday 22nd january
-and even on the way home in a different dome - more snow boarding. i ache across my back. the last three days have been just...

so now i want to go and i might make myself buy a board. it'll force me to get better plus i get to hang it on my wall! cool.

and, completely unrelated:
"well he's either a mug or in love."
"he's a mug either way even if he is in love."

sunday 21st january
-waving, screening, and four hours more boarding. take-aways, cars, shopping,- we inadvertently passed lesson three whilst attempting lesson two and were even allowed on the escalator that went to the top instead of the half-way rope de-wrister. seven non-crash runs from the top and the good or bad point is that i no longer have to wear a beginner's helmet and can don my new fleecy black bank-robber number or the old-man-sunbathing handkercheif grey monstrosity and can make myself look even more of a fool!

...like a kinda snowboarding zen. our instructor was a buddist.

saturday 20th january
the funkstar deluxe stag do went with the beautiful grinding noise of wood over snow. boys from all over the country (well, yeovil in particular) made with enough time to drink two pints and the m.a. boys posse arrived chauffer driven. in a way...

snowboarding lessons, bowling, food, drink-

friday 19th january
carving out names again after a night of utter brilliance. my clearest memory is of when i turned away from the hilarity to look at the overcrowded sofa to see four heads thrown back with wide open mouths roaring with laughter. pure happiness. the magic ability my close friends have to cure all my worries and stresses staggers me. so i dived on the sofa while this was being taken. when i look at it, i can hardly believe i was almost in whatdriving home.

a massive conversation with b-side boy at midnight was the cherry on top desite sensing an amount of quiet, controlled panic in his voice.

with a fire like this and a great flatmate the prospect of leaving this flat is my quiet panic. still, she might not sell and even if she does i can't see it being soon or quickly. one more summer with the wooden shutters, please.

today it snowed. but not much and it didn't settle. over london bridge i looked east to see this. london is so flat for such a major city. aardvark the intrpid traveller missed it unfortunately.

thursday 18th january


"identity...

is never easy
s"

wednesday 17th january
in emails i sound like i want to sound on the net.'london is freezing - ice covering everything and it's getting impossible to get out bed in the mornings. long baths, steaming cups and thick wool socks. bring on the summer with the sunroof and windows down, that's all i can say'. hmmm.

okay. i downloaded two entire albums yesterday afternoon courtesy of napster. (if anybody knows the laws re: mp3s in less than like a million words of over a hundred characters each can you let me know; i'm curious.)

got a mail from the boys at preloaded today. those of you with a fat net connection could do worse than seeing it. ultra flashy but rather nicely done. jealous? me? actually, yeah.

and i got this two days ago from peejay. but i'm slow and only just got round to resizing it. but do i look like a man who cares?

tuesday 16th january
thermal.

so ann was waiting all day for her residential phone line to be installed. and what's the first thing she did when it was working? why, tested her webcam of course! here she is showing off:



but we got our own back online by saying this to her:

and her reply was:

shortly followed by:

today had it's ups and downs. i spent some time here whilst listening to '...across a wire' and downloaded audion which has 8 pages of skins from the ultra-minimal to the sci-fi ridiculous. it's a desktop alpha-channel mp3 shuffling beaut. my favourites are 'little love' and 'lombard'. the latter is teeny! and for those of you who think i'm telling porkies this is it *actual size*:



...told you it was small. everyone should have mp3s. they're cool. (according to me, anyway.)

burnt cds from the laptop in the lounge then a touch of clarkson in the tub and the memory of even the punk girl managing an exclamation mark today. excellent.