"why are you trembling so much.. ?"
wednesday 30th november
all kinds of horrible feeling running around my head today. and a headache to boot. another one of those 'i want to drive and not stop driving' kind of things. maybe that will wait until saturday.
click the logo for an explanation of q.r. it's ready now. (although i may tweak it over the christmas break...)
a quote from my inbox this morning:
" ...see what your thoughts are about a few things:
a. whether i should do another one.
b. whether i should consider the possibility of securing it (nailing it to the floor!) in the show. apparently lots of stuff like mine gets nicked... what did you do?
c. anything else i think about.
d. my story from last night. "
it's 'c.' and 'd.' that got me the most this morning, just like the hammond organ bit in bug powder dust.
two people, on mobile phones with one of them round the corner being all secret, pretending he's miles away, then popping his face out and seeing the joy on the other's. a nice moment. they hugged.
plus, a complete stranger looked right at me square on, and smiled a huge smile. it's all in these little things.
tuesday 29th november
i think the underground destroys london. okay - bear with me.
i was trying to get home late last night; about to get on the northern line at bank until i learnt it wasn't operating. on the replacement bus service i could barely hear the music from my minidisc player over the wailings of three drunken australians sitting at the front on the top deck and this made me wonder. if they had been on the tube, the oppressive atmosphere would have made them quieter. honestly, as you descend the escalator (or the stairs when they don't work, which is obscurely often) you turn off, plug into the book, headphones and/or simply turn into an expressionless zombie. it's true.
yes, the underground is quicker, warmer in the winter and more convenient. i know this, but what's the point of living in a city if all you ever see are your destinations? there could feasibly be just two places you experience: work and home. yawn.
traveling by bus, car, foot or overground at least shows you the alternatives as to what you could be doing - where you could be going. if you're going to live in a city you may as well see it. right?
monday 28th november
g-tone night again so i expect i'll be holding a fat pint of beer, tapping my foot and 'singing' "king for a day, so what would you change?" at about 9pm tonight. good-oh.
and my new black jumper is very comfy indeed. just thought you might like to know.
monday 27th november
steve's put up the stuff we worked on this saturday. if you want to see what we were doing at work on a saturday until 10pm then here it is. you'll need the flash 5 plug-in to see it which you can get here.
i really want december to come now. this november thing's been here too long. and i know you shouldn't wish away your days but i feel like i want something clean, something fresh. this project at work is seemingly endless and i think the thought in the back of my mind of a new month gives me hope in some bizarre way. like when you wake up and all your clothes are clean, all your electronic gadgets are fully recharged and you have the energy to do anything and go anywhere, no matter how far. steve's feeling it, too, what with three days to go before his master's has to be in and i know we share the seem gut feeling that we want to get past this little bit of our lives and wash it all away, leaving us bouncy fresh and bubbling with enthusiasm. i can feel it's coming soon, but that doesn't stop me wanting it to be now. patience, dear boy...
i just found my old, creased, faded birth certificate and realised a lot of things. my name on it looks like the first ever time it was written. the first time anyone had evidence i was here and i was me. and it's written in ink. not biro ink, real ink. from a fountain pen - you know, one that you fill by sucking the ink up through the nib from a bottle of squid-ink dark oil. a pen like those i used when i was thirteen at secondary school. i would love to be able to have seen who had written those words. the first person to write my name. maybe mum can remember who it was. but maybe that'll shatter the wonder. i won't ask her. some things about yourself you shouldn't know. i feel like i've found my receipt. you know, like the receipt of for life. like someone bought me, gave me the receipt and let me go.
somehow i think the best artists are those that aren't artists at all.
sunday 26th november
america, america, the flowers need water.
"beneath its glassy surface... a world of gliding monsters"
saturday 25th november
put it this way: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have chosen myself out of a catalogue.
friday 24th november
two days late, an explanation:
new: download, stop for a minute, work, reload.
old: graffiti is unavoidably everywhere, my little flower, subway, plastic bucket seats, get on the phone, 124 channels on the tee-vee, metropolitan transit authority (read m.h.a.), buford t. a wannabe, a complete absence of clouds, air pollution, don hough, a sun made from thermometers, out in an emergency, m(h), shop or die, looking for a flat, i'm an alien (a legal alien...), the place of logos and abbreviations, the time of my visit, read on, and don't forget the past.
silly: plug-'n'-play people.
"...son," she said, ...
thursday 23rd november
i could spend my life here.
wednesday 22 november
today is elastic.
there's loads i've got to do on this site i'm working on at work and honestly there's not nearly enough time to do it in. the deadline is looming but i'm unnervingly calm. somehow fate seems to be in control - there will be the usual panic on friday, but what the hell. maybe it's the appearance of figlet on my desk (a miniature weeping fig that was just too cute not to adopt) and that i can see now a 'tree' from my desk.
(aside) i forget i'm from the countryside all the time. london blinds you to it, blinkering your vision. i miss it without realising that i am then when i drive out of london i sigh and go 'ooh' and 'ahh' when the city thins and the countryside takes over. anyway. this site.
maybe it's just i have (misplaced ?) faith in the notion that i can complete it in time. maybe i'm not letting myself worry. but maybe maybe maybes could go on all day. the truth is, i don't know why. but i'm not complaining. i mean, i really don't have time to put this stuff up, but i still did, didn't i? weirdly, i'm stretching time in a way.
newer stuff:
>older stuff:
stupid stuff:
tuesday 21st november
today this, just for the sheer atmosphere. every time i hear this i'm stunned by it's beauty.
monday 20th november
< nothing >
sunday 19th november
well i've never had a sunday like this before. watching being john malkovich for the paltry sum of £3.50 - and let's face it even blowing your nose in london costs at least a fiver these days - was experience enough. but unknowingly stumbling into a turkish themed opera restaurant with phalluses on every wall (some carved in stone!), eating on piles of rugs to the sound of divas bellowing over the tables to you and a huge, drunken over-friendly east end doorman really freaked me out.
this.
on a sunday.
it was like the film hadn't ended but had instead invaded the world with abstract, dream-like qualities and bizarre situations only whilst i was awake and trying really hard to decipher it all. obviously, i had actually slipped into the malkovich world, surrealism included.
tomorrow i'm stopping the lift on the one-and-a-half floor and crowbarring it open. you know, just in case...
saturday 18th november
my sister: the most academically amazing person i know. learning to drive. and me, her thick younger brother sitting next to her. god help us all.
friday 17th november
wow! in one day and my mentality and attitude has totally inverted. i feel loud, confident and indestructible. like a scud missile! (actually, i just like the word 'scud' and despite it's improper association the irresistibility got the better of me.)
in my head whilst in the shower:
"we got power to fly beyond the new earth,
now we got vision to see beyond the star trek log,
yo we got motives to make them manifest with the best,
and we got thoughts that philleas fogg,
we got tracks to tap back right and exact,
and we got wisdom to know that only nothing's forever,
yo we got rhythm and hit 'em in the dome with the tone,
yo we got lyrics to make you study at home"
the nextmen, amongst the madness
my one-word-qualities-that-i-admire-in-some-of-my-friends coupland-esque leanings:
everyone should be as kind as louise
everyone should be as personable as sonnas
everyone should be as compelling as steve
everyone should be as caring emma
everyone should be as foolish as stu
everyone should be as unique as alex
everyone should be as controlled as chumpy
everyone should be as essential as my sister
everybody should be as lazy as fat matt
everybody should buy the nextmen album
and everybody should know what it's like to have friends like mine.
heh. see you all tomorrow!
thursday 16th november - cold in the clouds
flying over germany towards france then home. after only being in berlin 2 days and having done no site seeing at all i can say that it's a city i like. the streets are a mess - buildings crumbling, graffiti everywhere, cold, crisp air and trams trying to run you down. plus the most amazingly coloured leaves. i think autumns should be dry. it suits the time of year more.
i'm not sure escape through travel does work. i came away feeling cold and quiet and still do. like i've done something wrong and simply can't correct it. somehow i don't fit inside my life. it's not that i'm unhappy with it or i want it to change - more like i've changed shape and the round bits are now where the square bits were. the problem is: do i reshape or wait and hope that my surroundings remould themselves?
suitable soundtracks for today's feelings could well be lamb's gorecki and moby's porcelain.
it's nothing to do with work - the talk we came out here to give was (as far as i'm told) well received and i know i couldn't work with more stimulating and talented people. i am lucky. and i'm grateful. so what is it that is making me feel bruised? why do i want to curl up and comfort rock, lie in bed, hide from people - all people - in silence? silence which - if you don't know me - is virtually unheard of. as yet i still haven't worked out why taking photographs makes me feel better. here are some i took in germany.
friday 10th november
graffiti written below the platform in chalk at tower hill: "karen call me?"
plus a picture ann took of elephant and castle. it's going to be knocked down soon.
i think this is the only ever positive looking picture i have seen of it.
saturday + sunday 9 + 10 november
"wagamama walkman washeteria"
i was nowhere near a computer or net connection on these days. for a change.
friday 9th november
it is just far too easy to shatter magic. its all changed and i don't want it to. what can i do to repair it?
thursday 8th november
i had my yearly dream last night and it was as strange as ever. i *apparently* fell in love with an american girl with long, blonde, straight hair. which is strange considering i've never even thought about dating a blonde girl. or an american. i can't give any further details because that's all i remember. on the way to work i turned the radio on in the car and it was playing this song.
if two coincidences happen at the same time, is it more of a coincidence or just the same level of coincidence?
wednesday 7th november
it's a washout and a nightmare.
tuesday 6th november
"i knew this would happen as soon as he started poontanging around with all those show folk fags!"
"if junior can get up in the morning, get dressed and take a pee i'm not proud - i'm amazed."
oh, yes. probably my favourite all-time movie character, buford t. justice in his absolute element. sheer quality.
monday 6th november
i just inadvertently called someone a 'blob of amalgam' on the phone, and i wasn't even on it! how do these things happen to me? sorry, nick. but there are four christian names between the two of you, and that's got to be confusing.
sunday 5th november
today is one of those days that make you feel as thought you are being led, rather than actually choosing what happens; a stronger force overriding your decisions that pulls you magnet-like away from where you think you are. the closest i can get to describing it is that it's like being the dice man without actually having to throw anything, rape anyone or commit heinous sex crimes. imagine being cut-and-pasted out of your life, then straight back in ten minutes into the future. it's quite disorientating but at the same time not unpleasant. it's as if you're someone else, but living your own life.
saturday 4th november
launching our rockets at the mi6 building was cool. the first one only reached half way across the thames. but after lowering the trajectory we found we could pull up about 20 yards short. now that has to be illegal. terrorists? us? naaah!
friday 3rd november
with the smashing pumpkins' selected highlights playing deafeningly loud in the car whilst still half asleep and the sun actually creating shadows for the first time in days, turning into the garage at work this morning was very, very difficult.
today is one of those days where you should just keep on going. really fast.
news flash! my sister has just dropped a bombshell. how dare she? and on a friday morning! not only has she been in cahoots with the bare naked ladies, stephen 'tin tin' duffy and beth orton, but she is now engaged. *shudder*
needless to say i am totally excited and pleased. nice one, chris and kate. let's hope the wedding happens at a slightly faster pace than the engagement. i don't think i can wait another 12 years... heh. sorry but that was too tough to resist.
aaaaargh! and dad's retiring at christmas! everywhere i turn today there's huge, life altering revelations. that is IT. i'm not calling any more members of my family today. there is a finite amount of information i can take in an hour.
thursday 2nd november
...and just when you thought the puddles couldn't get any bigger. people are so wet they're working in their underwear. if you don't believe me, i have proof. the windscreen didn't demist for the entire journey and all of a sudden i'm really pleased to have a reason for staying indoors today.
"the world is a vampire, sent to drain. secret destroyers hold you up to the flames. and what do i get for my pain? betrayed desires and a piece of the game..."
some songs sound like the days look.
wednesday 1st november
this morning on the radio they said forty per cent of people wouldn't break a mirror as they thought it would bring bad luck. superstition seems to circumnavigate logic, overpowering it somehow. like a type of voodoo. a black magic for modern society?
in that case i'm off out to smash mirrors and raise the dead then... (ironically, the halloween day follows this. heh.)
tuesday halloween 31st october
it took a week, but after the grumbling go-slow depression that was my cold, the air feels cleaner today. but what's going on with the weather anyway? the days seem like they're on a one way mission to deconstruct themselves; the mornings are clear, still and fresh, but as soon as it hits twelve o'clock the hail comes down, the rain starts and the wind whips up. there are virtually no leaves left on the trees, and my car needs a wash more than ever before. how long will this madness last?
at the moment i feel closer to the future than the past although i can't quite put my finger on why exactly.
although i'd love to be this little guy. he looks like he's got a great life...
monday 23rd october
sniffle.
sunday 22nd october
this is the life of illusion so pack up your troubles. they make me confused - what am i doing here?
older stuff
right.
heh heh this webstuff's fun.
hi mum!