sunday 28th september
mum was meant to measure up and make curtains (and if they were to be even 10 per cent as good as the lounge they'd be stunning) but i felt awake before i got out of bed. a sunday first when made it to brent cross' john lewis before it had opened. i spent way more than i should, spent three hours calculating, drilling, screwing and cleaning and was finished by 5 o'clock. i've had a sheet over my bedroom window since last december. now i have a blind and curtains. the benefit of running on child-friendly time is comforting. another mini project ticked off.



saturday 27th september
stu used the horn to wake me. i knew it would happen. g+g's, the 240 miles home, 630 in a week.



friday 26th september
padstow in the rain with every eatery closed when we were starving. as a result of a very grouchy, tired maddy we had a very tired lou. went to bed with a big heart. i knew coming away with old, true friends would make me feel better but this was so much stronger than i thought.





thursday 25th september
i really shouldn't have pulled that handbrake turn in the car park. despite knowing it was safe (well, as safe as they get) with loads of room and nobody about lbc slid backward and rotated, bringing the view of the car park owner's shed smack bang into view as we stopped. he was huge, standing there with his arms folded. i felt so ashamed of myself and had to apologise. i expect other people would laugh it off but it bugged me for the rest of the day. as stu and i walked around the sea wall (mostly to investigate the smugglers cave that turned out to be

'that's two things you've done that have surprised me today' jen said
'what was the other one'
'when you just did that.' (not meaning the wreckless driving). we laughed.





wednesday 24th september
for some reason i was in a low mood today, so i continued my studies in the semi-english that is maddy's language:

yog yog - yoghurt
dzoos - juice (mostly milk)
meh muh muh - bed monster (me)
bwoos - bruce, lou's brother
dak duh - tractor
wuh wuh - dog
doo doo - anything toilet related
mama - lou
dada - stu
moh - more
buck buck - chicken
moo - cow
smaking lips together - fish
mah - sheep
flah - cat

no - louise is now worried. maddy has learnt the power of vito. it begins.

i'm thinking of précis-ing my entire vocabluary down to single vowels. you'll have to know me to understand me and to anyone else i'll just seem weird.



tuesday 23rd september
if anyone needs proof that being a mum is tyring and hard work, take a look at jen, fast asleep after five minutes of being riley-free. note how much of the book she's got through. and jen studied journalism. the only people who can devour a book as quick are philip from work and kate, my sister.



monday 22nd september
a soaking eden project and 'uncle mark' became renamed 'the bed monster.' we saw pineapples, papaya, bananas and i learnt that loofahs are plants. honest!

sunday 21st september
morning mist
king prawns
twiddlum rudies in the playground and are you washing your flute?

saturday 20th september
a hundred and forty miles into the journey i stopped at avonmouth service area to fill myself and the lbc.



the a38 on a sunny autumn afternoon is a lovely fast drive up round and down green leafy valleys on brand new tarmac. i ended up bringing the whole wooden box of minidiscs and took out hand-sized chunks to choose from to ensure a suitable score.

me: 'what;s the difference between a highway and a freeway?'
pj: '...umm...'
me: 'okay - what's the difference between a lady and a woman?'
pj: 'about fifty quid.'

friday 19th september
no avoiding the need for new rubber. tyres at kwik fit. 'those two are okay. the front two are bald.' 'i know, that's why i'm here.' i said, helping him out. a proper bonehead.

thursday 18th september
shadies and mentlemen may i present the two fences steve and i erected this afternoon.



wednesday 17th september
washing, recharging batteries, checking leads, chosing games, dvds and minidiscs to take. as i washed up i thought about kate not carrying my axe to school and how much the story is a part of my family history. somehow it has more gravity than the 'kate, your bed's gone' and 'oh no - the daaartford tunnel!' stories.

tuesday 16th september
i'm going on holiday in a few days. i used to count down birthdays, christmasses and big nights out excitedly, slepping lightly on event eve. when did important events lose their lead time anticipation?

monday 15th september
i'd like to thank the man who set up his hot-dog stand underneath waste-of-air-blaine's perspex idiot-box. pure genius.



sunday 14th september
after finishing the mtv/footlocker spot i cleaned, tidied, bleached, laundered whilst toying with the idea of buliding my second zaku. but it required concentration so no. i didn't care what was on tele which was fortunate as i ended up staring through sleepless in seattle indicating how tired i was and how little input i could handle; even the simpsons were too energetic for me and it's hardly the world's biggest cranial challenge, is it?

saturday 13th september
alarms clocks in bed on saturdays. ew. mtv, footlocker, sound engineering and an inability to go to what is clearly going to be the mutha of all house parties.



friday 12th september
on the return tube ride after a rare drink with the brixton crew in the sun and doves i was a little drunk, a lot tired and quite happy with myself. after spotting a properly inebriated, occasionally-slobbering-over-himself guy i rewarded myself for stopping before he had by taking his picture, because, well, i could.

as we pulled into my stop i made the usual getting-ready-to-alight actions; stand up, rucksack on, move closer to the door. seconds later someone behind me - mr hurry - did the same except he pushed round the back, into a crowd of people to get to the door first - there was no room and the rest of us knew it which made him pushy and rude. we jerked to a stop. he fell into the back of the crowd. the guy on the semi-seats near the door had seen what i had and shook his head. '...know what i mean?' i said sarcastically over my headphone fizz as the door opened. hurry stepped off, semi-seat raised his foot an inch or two just at the right moment and splat, hurry tripped, falling out the door straight onto the platform. semi-seat and i sniggered as i stepped off the tube casually and strolled past hurry who was picking himself and his bags off the floor. this was one small step for tube travellers...



thursday 11th september
i moved it so there's a blank here now.

wednesday 10th september
every time i pass zippos i mean to take pictures but my batteries are always flat, damnit.

tuesday 9th september
how do you 'get beaten by a stronger component?' we ask ourselves. worked from home and made this:



monday 8th september
cycling in, and out with yuko.

sunday 7th september
fence shopping (not in the diamond heist sense). and a trip to covent garden. hol and emma were having a quiet sunday drink, so i joined them. on the way back to the car (no alcohol, obviously) someone tipped a bucket of what must have been washing up water out of their third floor window. it landed on my left shoulder. i looked up to a single, vacant window and shouted at it 'this isn't the fucking middle ages, you know.' i was glad it happened on the way back to the car and gave myself imaginary points for having the correct answer right on cue.

saturday 6th september
i could have left for chumpy's any time during the day. i chose 5pm. i wanted to take the woolwich ferry at dusk so the light over the thames barrier would be photo-friendly.

highlights of the evening included paul claiming his (obscenely large) share of the chinese by stacking his plate full with a determined and ambitious 'this is mine and i'm going to eat it all' and matt burning his finger through the oven glove before melting his way through a tray of ice cubes before entering the living room with 'what's burning?' it was too easy: 'your finger?' laylah finished the ice off in her coke leaving him the veggie option. through the film she said, 'stop rustling your peas, matt.' with no fingerprints he's planning robberies. it's never a dull moment round the big lad's.



friday 5th september
in my opinion the league of gentlemen can pretty much be summarised by a single sketch:

(naff joke shop, interior)
lance the shopkeeper (long greasy hair, bad glasses, one arm): yes, pal. can i 'elp?
builder: oh... i'm just browsing.
s: sorry, chief, didn't catch that.
b: i'm just looking around.
s: straight out the door, turn right. up the high street.
b: sorry?
s: that's the way to the bloody library, all right?
b: isn't this the joke shop?
s: two pairs of plastic tits in the window... jar of fart sweets on the counter... no mate, it's the bloody butchers - jesus christ. yes, this is the joke shop. shop being the key word so if you've just come here to laugh at the funny bumper stickers and the wind up willies you can sod off out there now.
b: no, no i am going to be making a purchase.
s: well whoopie shit. ...what is it then, squire, stag night? got a stag night coming up and want something a bit saucy? come 'ere, i've got just the thing... what about that? (brings out a small white bag containing black dots)
b: what is it?
s: well... sprinkle it in the groom's the groom's undies the night before the wedding... gives him crabs. bloody crabs eggs, innit? hatch out in his bush over night, next day he's stood at the alter, mrs next to him, all he can think about is scratching his bleedin' jewels 'cos they're crawlin' with bleedin' crabs. it's blindin' innit? four pound fifty.
b: what?!
s: all right, four quid.
b: no, no, i'm looking for something more... specific.
s: oh. what about these? (shows bag of sweets)
b: what are they?
s: hot sweets. give them to the best man before he makes his speech.
b: hot sweets, eh? what's in them, pepper?
s: potassium. burns the roof of his mouth off and his tongue... never talk again.
b: no, no, no. that's not the kind of thing i'm after.
s: all right, hold your horses, squire. i know i got something here for ya. what about this? couple of drops of this in the bride's champagne, she'll piss herself.
b: what's so funny about it?
s: no, don't make her laugh. she pisses herself. can't stop pissing. it's a sort of muscle relaxant. i got a mate that works for a drugs company. he knocks it up himself. sixteen quid.
(the shopkeeper stops dead in his tracks, his eye catches a tall black tube about the length of an arm with moons and stars cut childishly into it's side)
s: here... put your hand in there.
b: what's in it?
s: go on chief, it ain't gonna bleedin' bite ya.
b: no thanks.
s: (coaxingly) put your hand in.
b: i don't want to. (there is a long, uneasy pause.)
s: yer not leaving this shop 'till you do.
b: you what!?
s: i'm not joking, squire! your not leaving this bleeding shop until you put your hand in that bleeding tube.
b: please? (shopkeeper stares him out)
s: put. your. hand. in!
.he does, nervously. nothing happends)
s: oh, it's not switched on.
(builder is trying to pull his arm out of tube feverishly. before he does there's a click of a plug being switched on then a flash and bang from the tube! the builder gets thrown clear of the tube from the shock.)
b: aow! oh! ah!
s: 's good that, innit? runs on a car battery - you can't buy 'em!
(builder runs out of joke shop)
s: jesus. some people ain't got no sense of humour.
(man walks in wearing a suit.)
s: yes, pal, can i 'elp you? stag night is it?
m: er, yeah.

this may help / a drink with yuko.

thursday 4th september
'i was a dumb bunny. i believed the script i was handed, and then one day i hit a red light in north vancouver and ding! i understood that i was now forever in life's minus column and the plus column was over. funny how you only realise how deeply events have affected you years and years after they've occured.' - coupland's all families are psychotic.

the coconut bra four-way high five is funny (phrase, not picture although it's got some good cleavage action!). - hey! i didn't take it!

i was talking to yuko on the roof about her education: 'i did english studies at winchester, you know -jane austin and marmite - and i knew exactly what she meant.

steve phoned up tonight with 'all right, ninja?' not knowing i had dug my bandana out and was wearing it. now sing the twighlight zone theme tune.

wednesday 3rd september
goin' analogue for the onedotzero_select2 dvd. ease back there, cool yer jets and go with the non-digital flow kinda vibe, y'know?

tuesday 2nd september
'a friend is one before whom i may think aloud' and 'personally, i have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else' she was right but i prefer the first one.

okay, we're all sick of this already, so for about the millionth - and the last - time here is madonna kissing britney then christina. it really was very unexciting. so let's not mention it again, because that's what they want us to do. right?



monday 1st september
i may well be a veteran but it's been a long time since i cycled to work. too long according to my legs but funky's email signifies the start of a new boarding season. coupled with the fact that those eviler-than-evil estate agents stirling ackroyd have shut down work's garage to explore more lucrative arrangements (ie those that avoid me tipping the doorman three quid a day to park) it's clearly time to get fit again. like i said, it's been a while and lbc sure ain't gonna be happy about it. but i won't ache on the slopes and that's nothing but worth it.


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