the only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

'...stayed up last night playing poker with tarot cards. i got a full house and four people died.'

low in fat. high in polyunsaturates.

It's hard to find people that 'get' the web anymore. everyone's scampering for the next big profit model, doing whatever it takes to create the next successful ipo. these are people that 'use' the web or 'do' the web, it's just another medium to them like television or radio (remember when people used to think television could educate us?). the people that really 'get' the web are the people that can still remember how magical it was to hear stories from the other side of the world, they can remember the first time a complete stranger emailed them to share experiences similar to the one's they wrote about, and they know an interconnected world isn't just about selling stuff to everyone that can operate a mouse.

life lessons 4/10: disappearing
1. change your name by deed poll to that of someone who has died or emigrated.
2. get a temporary address from an accomodation agency. arrange for post to be sent there in your new name.
3. use the change of name deed and your new accomodation address to et a new driving licence. this will give you a picture id. go to the public records office and get a copy of your new identity's birth certificate.
4. call the phone company and have them send you details of a new service or product. use this letter and your driving licence to open a bank account in your new name.
5. tell the passport office that you have lost your passport and use your birth certificate, your new cheque-book and driving licence to get a new one.
6. build up a good credit record by buying things mail order, paying promptly by cheque and having the goods sent to your accomodation address. use your birth certificate and driving licence to add your name to the electoral role. with a credit record and a presence on the electoral role, apply for a credit card.
7. ask your local social security office for an emergency code (say you are starting a job the next day). do the same with the inland revenue (say you've been away).
8. move to where nobody knows you and no-one from your old world is likely to bump into you. don't say goodbye to anyone. register your change of address with your credit card company and your bank, but not with the driving licence authority, which is the only organisation to have a link between your old name and your new one.
9. jet to rio and submit to the tender mercies of the finest plastic surgeon money can buy.
10. never go back.

"here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the see things differently. they're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo.you can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. about the only thing you can't do is ignore them, because they change things. they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can
change the world, and are the ones who'll do it."
- apple computer advert [ screened 10.97 ]

what you have to understand is that sometimes things are the way they seem. by that i don't mean that they aren't the way they might be thought to be, beneath what you see, necessarily, what i mean is that... christ. i'll start this again.

'...stayed up last night playing poker with tarot cards. i got a full house and four people died.'

sometimes, things are not the way they seem. you look at something and it seems straightforward, and you think you understand it, and it's only later you realise that the truth is different. okay: no prizes for observations so far.

sometimes, on the other hand, you look at something and you know already it's not the way it seems. you know because you understand what you're seeing, you're aware of the context and you realise that appearances are being deceptive. but sometimes, and this is the important sometimes, that's wrong. sometimes, when you think you're being deceived, you're not. sometimes things are the way they look, however surprising that may be. and sometimes that can make all the difference in the world.

let me put it another way. why does a journey always seem quicker coming back?
- only forward, michael marshall smith

why are we here? there wasn't another place. but we are working on it.
what is the meaning of life? it depends on your subscription.
- robert rauschenberg

today is a map. a double that has appeared. a transformation of elements into models of themselves. representations devoid of emotion and significance. replacing the physical, the model renders the original obsolete. layers are created; models on models, giving rise to new models. without origin or reality. a hyperreal. abstract becomes reality. reality is today. everything applies to a map. today is a map.
- me (my m.a. was based on it)

you do a little work, you have a little fun. it's time to take a break and reach for the real thing coca cola is always the one you're never home alone when you've got coca cola. coca cola. always the real thing.

mr white: you wanna shoot me, you little piece of shit? take a shot! mr pink: fuck you, white! i didn't create this situation, i'm just dealin' with it. you're actin' like a first-year fuckin' thief! i'm actin' like a professional. they get him, they can get to you, they get to you, they get closer to me and that can't happen. and you, you motherfucker, are lookin' at me like it's my fault. i didn't tell him my name. i didn't tell him were i was from. i didn't tell him what i knew better than to tell him. fuck, fifteen minutes ago, you almost told me your name. you, buddy, are stuck in a situation you created. so, if you wanna throw bad looks somewhere, throw 'em at a mirror.
- reservoir dogs

'that's some heavyshit._ changed humankind's sense of what was suitable_. and the camcorder? because photographs are so easilystaged. a smile: hold it for an instant and it's fixed for eternity. you could've been scowling the moment before; you can go back to scowling the moment after, but the smile is forever. [kenneth smiles. badteeth, man.] freeze-frame me now. [kenneth smiles for thirtysevenseconds.] but the camcorder, the camcorder - its natural motion is forwards. backwards almost never: backwards leads to potholes, lowhangingbranches, cliffs. it isn't safe to walk backwards with a camcorder. the camcorder is an investigativedevice. if the cat has darted behind the settee to hide, the camcorder will follow - it will follow because it can. [kenneth mimes holding a camcorder. thrusting it forwards. he thrusts a bit hard and hits the camera, which falls over. we have about half a minute of shots of the ceiling, the paperglobe lanternlightshade, kenneth'snostrills. [perhaps i should say here and now that i don't absolutely agree with everything Kenneth says, just parts, here and there. But you have to admit, the guy is way cool.] the camcorder's investigation is perpetual and, while it's going on, uninterrupted. it is very difficult to stage a camcording: people aren't rehearsed enough, they forget themselves and so reveal themselves; they try to be themselves, and fail, and so again display their realselves. life only happens once. the camcorder is there, all the time. it pursues, remains unedited, uneditable. all life lived in its gaze is lived for futurerepetition, for future erasure. life happens as many times as you want it to. your grandfather can dive into a swimmingpool, from the highboard, until eternity - but he cannot love his wife. he cannot do anything he didn't. because he was only filmed. you can now - you can decide to camcorder everything. your life can be videojukebox. fuck your wife, on video. you can fuck her again, after she's dead. on video. your grandfather couldn't do that. your grandfather fought in the war and killed germans. he lost his penis on westernfront. your grandfather ran twelve miles with his penis in his hand. and a nurse sewed it back on. and he married that nurse. yes! and she was your grandmother. and she was the only woman that ever knew how to handle your grandfather's penis, because she'd sewed it on upside down. and i'm losing it, aren't i? that's not what i'm arguing about. penises and the firstworldwar and shit. it's probably this camera here now, recording me. i'm speaking to camera now. the camera doesn't like what i'm saying. it is aggressing me, trying to pull me off. [kenneth spits at camera, misses.] i need a break. i'm going to the bathroom - i mean the toilet - i'll be back in a minute - i'll just leave it running - please fastforward - [kenneth moves offcamera.] if you don't want to i'll put a little music on - hang on. there you are: rem's _murmur_, _a perfect circle_. [kenneth (you see why I call him kenneth now) disappears for about 2:37.'
- adventures in capitalism, toby litt

on the way back from the post office i stop at a bank of america atm and withdraw from my rapidly disappearing savings. i then convert my withdrawal into a wad of low-denomination bills. i feel like a crack dealer. i have an idea.

your inability to achieve solitude makes you settle for substandard relationships.
you don't believe magic is possible in lives lived within traditional values.

i am writing a list of tragic character flaws on my dollar bills with a felt pen. i am thinking of the people in my universe and distilling for each of these people the one flaw in their character that will lead to their downfall - the flaw that will be their undoing...

you disguise your laziness as pride.
you are paralyzed by the fact that cruelty is often amusing.
you pretend to be more eccentric than you actually are because you worry you are an interchangeable cog.
you mistake motion for growth and are lured into vexing situations.
you defend other people's ideas at the expense of your own.
you still don't know what you do well.
you are unable to visualize yourself in a future.
your inability to sustain sexual interest in just one other person drains your life of the possibility of intimacy.
your own ability to rationalize your bad deeds makes you believe the entire universe is amoral as yourself...
your fear of change is too clearly visible in your eyes.
you are wasting your youth, your time, and your money because you won't acknowledge your shortcomings.
your refusal to acknowledge the dark side of humanity makes you prey to that dark side.
you worry that if you lower your guard, for even one second, your whole world will disintegrate into chaos.
you wait for fate to bring about the changes in life which you should bringing about yourself.
you are dazed by the ease with which obliteration can be obtained.
you feel you have more memories than you have energy to process these memories.
you are unable to differentiate between facade and substance
i am afraid of the dark ages...
let's just hope we accidentally build god...
imagine yourself befriending a monster.
you are never far from the sound of an engine.
grow a tail.
we're all theme parks.
technology favours horrible people...
only democracy saves us from the ravage of being animals.
- shampoo planet, douglas coupland

eugene lindsay, ford dealer of the gods, was alone in bed making a list in a small notepad:
no. 63: you can get almost any food you want at any time of the year
no. 64: women do everything men do and it's not that big a deal
no. 65: anybody on the planet can have a crystal-clear conversation with anybody else on the planet pretty well any time they want to
no 66: you can comfortably and easily wake up in sydney, australia, and go to bed in new york
no. 67: the universe is a trillion billion million times larger than you ever dreamed it would be
no. 68: you pretty well never see or smell shit
no. 69: we went to the moon and to mars a few times, and there's really nothing there except rocks, so we quit dreaming about them
no. 70: thousands of diseases are quickly and easily cured with a few pills
no. 71: astoundingly detailed descriptions of sex acts appear on the front page of the new york times, and nobody is ruffled by it
no. 72: by pushing a single lever, it's possible to kill five million people in just one second
no. 73: bad moods have been eliminated
no. 74: you almost never see horses
no. 75: you can store pretty well all books ever published inside a box no bigger than a coffin
no. 76: we made the planet's weather a little warmer
- miss wyoming, douglas coupland

...he had a room full of used tissues which he would discard randomly as he moved between marriages, like a cat. for in the fifty-four years he was on this earth he did sire over a thousand children, many of whom are alive to this day. and if we listen closely, we can still still hear their cries, as they fought for his attentions..." "look father, i have drawn a castle. am i not clever?" "in later years he deeply regretted the mis-use of his penis and would lie for hours in the back bedroom, eating eggy fingers, and making a mess on his waistcoat.

Ohh! Football isn't it, you know? Ha-ha! Small boys? Marvellous. Ha! Jumpers for goalposts? Mm? Enduring image. Quite- ooh, that tackle, hm? Way above the knee, wasn't it? Way above the knee? The miniskirt! Hu-hoo! Enduring image. Marvellous. You know. Dolly birds? The swinging sixties? Swinging blue jeans? Swinging London? Jonathan King! Everyone's gone to the moon! Except me. I stayed here. But, you know, ooh, flower power. Interflora! Mother's day. Ooh! Sorry, mommy - I forgot! Ha-ha! Ah. Mother's ruin. You know. Don't mind if I do! But, ooh, you know, soccer - isn't it? Marvellous. Nostalgia? Ha-ha. Those rattle things. You don't see them these days, do you? Marvellous, eh? Small boys - on their fathers' knees. Peanuts.

Hello! Hello, yes! We're looking for the garden party! Do you know the way to the garden party? Yes. Now, you go up round the back 'ere, an' over the top an' then down the lane until you get to a wall. Yum thinkin', 'ello - a wall? What's a wall doin' 'ere? An' you'll be goin' like this... s'pose I'd better go down this road 'ere. An' then, yum sayin', this road? This road, ere? Look at this road, yum sayin'. Look at it. An' then you'll be drivin' down this road, until you come to a tree. An' yum thinkin', 'ello - a tree? What's a tree doin' ere? Lovely old tree. Which way now? I've come this far, yum thinkin' - why give up now? An' yum thinkin'... I'll go down 'ere, cos this road looks right. But where's this road leadin' me? Where? Yum thinkin', where does this road lead? Where? 'ave I gone to far? My God! My wife! My little children! WHERE DOES THIS ROAD LEAD TO? Have I got enough petrol for this journey, yum thinkin'? IS IT A GONNA RAIN? It's possible!
Turn BACK yum sayin'! TURN BACK! My WIFE! My LITTLE CHILDREN!
HELLO! HELLO, THERE! HELLO! I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD, ER, HELP ME?
[slight pause]
MY- MY CANTEEN'S A BIT LOW.
I see. You lost, an' you're wantin' directions. Right. Now, then. You see this road, 'ere? You go up this road 'ere, until you come to a tree. Lovely old tree.
No, you misunderstand me. Erm, I- I need some water for my canteen. Yes, it's very thirsty work, hiking up and down the highways and byways.
Well, you'll be needin' directions, then.
No, no. No, I'm fully equiped. I know exactly where I am. Erm, I've never had to ask for directions. Ever. I'm a fully experienced rambling-hikurr.
[slight pause]
You sure about that, then?
Yes, I'm quite sure.
[slight pause as MW comes up very close to an uneasy PW]
What about down the end o' that road, there? You been down there?
I- I've just come from there. Yes.
MW Well, that's no guaranTEE!
Well, I suppose not. No.
You wanna watch where you're steppin' round 'ere, boy. You might fall down 'ole. Where would you be, if you fell down 'ole?
Well, yeah, yeah-
WHAT ABOUT THE FOG? STUCK IN A HOLE? IN THE FOG? STUCK IN A HOLE? IN THE FOG? IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT? WITH AN OWL! UP A TREE!
[PW decides he'd best be on his way, but MW follows him up the road]
MW STUCK IN 'OLE! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! STUCK DOWN 'OLE! WITH AN OWL! ON YER OWN! BEYOND WALL! (LOVELY OLD WALL!)
[PW starts running now. bits of his backpack are falling out over the road]
MW STUCK DOWN 'OLE! WITH AN OWL! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! IT COULD 'APPEN! STUCK DOWN 'OLE! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! WITH - AN - OWL!
- the fast show

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hey! it compiles! ship it!
- unknown